These corny jokes are intended for an adult audience, so it’s best not to share them with your six-year-old nephew or at a religious setting. I’ll let you know if I find any more locations where these jokes will get you slapped. These cheesy jokes are so bad they are actually enjoyable.
A man is buying a banana, an apple, and two eggs. The cashier says, “You must be single.” The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”
The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”
Lawyer at the police station: “I won’t say anything without my lawyer present.”
Police officer: “YOU ARE THE LAWYER!”
Lawyer: “Yes, I know, so where’s my present?”
I recently learned how to sleep with my eyes open.
God, am I tired.
A guy goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I have a problem”
“My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday, and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to satisfy them all.”
The doctor says “You know, taking Viagra three nights in a row can be very dangerous. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so I can check you out.” The man agrees and the doctor gives him the three pills.
On Monday morning, the man returns to the doctor’s office with his arm in a sling.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Nobody showed up.”
If a woman feels uncomfortable watching you masturbate, it’s usually one of three things.
She has intimacy issues
She is uptight
She should find another seat on the bus
Yo Mama is so fat; it wasn’t a stork that brought her…
It was a crane.
I just bought a new pair of shoes. I don’t know what they’re laced with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
A father puts his son down to bed then heads to the living room to unwind and watch the news.
A few minutes later the son begins crying hysterically from his bedroom. The father runs in to check on him, “What’s wrong, son?” the father asked. “I swallowed a Nickle, am I going to die?” the son asked.
The father slyly grabs a nickel from his pocket, palms it, and pretends to pull the coin from the child’s ear. The son starts clapping in excitement, then grabs and swallows the coin. “Do it again, Daddy!”
Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.
Guy: “How many people believe in Ghosts?”
About 60 hands go up.
“How many have seen a ghost?”
About 15 hands go up.
“How many have spoken to a ghost?”
Three hands go up.
“How many have had sex with a ghost?”
One hand goes up, Johnny in the back of the room.
Guy says to Johnny, “I have been doing this for 40 years, and you are the first to claim to have had sex with a ghost. Come forward and explain.”
Johnny says, “sorry I couldn’t hear you from the back; I thought you said goats.”
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A book fell on my head today.
I only have my shelf to blame.
What was the first civilization to use a bidet?
What’s the difference between like, love, and showing off?
Spit, swallow, and gargle.
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.
Three friends explore a cave
While in the cave, the friends find a genie’s lamp. Of course, as anyone in this situation would do, they excitedly rub the lamp. The genie of the lamp flows out in a cloud of magical smoke.
The genie begins his spiel: “Gentlemen, for summoning me forth from the lamp, I shall give each of you three wishes. What will your first wish be?”
The first friend speaks up immediately. He shouts out, “I want to own a mansion!” The genie nods and snaps his fingers. In a puff of smoke, the deed to a property appears in the man’s hand.
The second friend smiles and excitedly says, “I wish I were married to the most beautiful woman in the world!” The genie nods and snaps his fingers. In a puff of smoke, a wedding band appears on the man’s hand.
The third friend scoffs at the first two. “Ha! You guys are so dumb. I wish my left arm would swing clockwise like a windmill for the rest of my life!” The genie gives him a look but shrugs and snaps his fingers. In a puff of smoke, his left arm swings clockwise like a windmill.
The first two friends exchange a worried look but ultimately shrug. The genie asks, “and for your second wish?”
The first friend takes his turn. He says, “I wish I owned a Bugatti!” The genie nods and snaps his fingers. In a puff of smoke, the keys to a brand new Bugatti Chiron appear in his hand.
The second friend thinks for a minute and says, “I wish I were the most attractive man on the planet” the genie nods and snaps his fingers. In a puff of smoke, the man grows a few inches taller, his gut sinks in and firms up with abs, and his jawline gets more defined. He truly is a gorgeous man now.
The third friend rolls his eyes and laughs at his friends. “You guys are so predictable. Let me show you how it’s done. I wish my right arm would swing counterclockwise like a windmill for the rest of my life!”
The genie stares at the third friend in bemused annoyance for a few seconds before sighing and snapping his fingers. Sure enough, a puff of smoke and his arm starts rotating.
The genie looks back at the other two, perks his eyebrow, and points his thumb over at the third friend in a universal “what’s up with that guy?” gesture. The first two men shrug and put their hands up in a ubiquitous “don’t look at me!” gesture. The genie shrugs and says, “Okay, it is time for your final wish. What will it be?”
Friend number one takes a minute to think, admittedly distracted by his friend’s spinning arms. Finally, he says, “I wish I had infinite money. I never want to run out.” The genie nods and snaps his fingers, and a shiny black credit card appears in his hand in a puff of smoke.
The second man takes his time coming up with his third wish. Finally, he says, “I wish I could stay in peak physical condition for the rest of my life.” The genie nods and snaps his fingers. All the minor aches and pains suddenly disappear with a puff of smoke. He is now in perfect health.
The third friend nods, impressed. “Ya know what? Those last wishes were pretty good, but I still got you guys beat easily! I wish my head would bob up and down for the rest of my life!”
The genie pinches the bridge of his nose in defeat and snaps his fingers. A puff of smoke, and the man’s head starts bobbing up and down.
The 3rd man can now barely see straight, but that doesn’t stop him from laughing at his friends. “Man, I’m so good at wishing for stuff! You’ll see! Why don’t we meet again in 10 years, and we’ll see who’s had the best time with their wishes?” The first two men agree with the third man’s idea. The genie snaps his fingers again, and the three men return to their homes to live their lives with their new gifts.
Ten years pass, and the friends meet to discuss who made the best wishes.
Friend number 1 is dressed in the fanciest personally-tailored suit you could imagine. He has designer sunglasses, a diamond-crusted Rolex, and rings made of pure platinum. It is obvious this man has enjoyed the intervening years. “I think I made the best wishes. I’ve never run out of money, no matter what I buy!”
The second friend is just as picturesque as he was when the three left the cave. He responds, “I’m glad you’ve never wanted for things, dear friend, but I’ve never had so much as a sniffle since our time in the cave!”
The two men expectantly look over at the 3rd companion. He sits in his chair facing the two friends, his left arm swinging clockwise like a windmill, his right arm swinging counterclockwise like a windmill, and his head bobbing interminably. He says to his friends, “guys… I think I fucked up.”
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