I only made one meme this week so before we get to the jokes, have a looksie. It’s appropriate for a joke page.
Railroad Tracks
Me: I found a woman tied up to some railroad tracks today, just the way they did in the old movies.
My Friend: What did you do?
Me: I untied her and took her home.
My friend: Ah, nice, then what did you do?
Me: One thing led to another and we started making love; eight or nine times in fact. We did it every way I could think of; doggy style, missionary, lazy dog, the butter churner, we did it all.
My Friend: Did she suck your dick?
Me: Nah, I never could find the head.
A man goes to a priest to confess
“Forgive me, father, for I have sinned,” says the man.
“What did you sin, my son?” the priest asks.
“Well, my wife and I went to my sisters-in-law for dinner; we had dinner, then as soon as we were going to go home, the weather, father, it was getting cloudy, and it looked like it was about to rain, so my sister-in-law asked us to stay for the night,” says the man.
“Then what happened?” asks the priest.
“Well, we took her up on her offer, then later at night, I got the urge to fuck my sister-in-law, so I did,” says the man.
“My son, that’s a big sin you have done. Ask God for forgiveness, and he may forgive you,” says the priest.
“Thank you, father, but that’s not all,” the man said.
“What else is there, my son,” the priest asks him.
“Well, after a few weeks, my mother-in-law invited us to dinner, and after dinner, it was getting cloudy and was about to rain again, so my mother-in-law asked us to stay overnight, that night I got the urge to fuck her, and so I did” confesses the man.
The priest looks out outside and sees the sky about to get cloudy. He turns to the man and says, “Okay, I think it’s about time for you to get the fuck outta here.“
Don’t mess with a lawyer
The local United Way office realized it had never received donations from the town’s most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community somehow?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First of all, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um… No.”
“Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken United Way rep began apologizing. “Third, my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rose in indignation, “Leaving her penniless with three children?”
The humiliated United Way rep, thoroughly beaten, said, “I had no idea…” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “…And I don’t give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?”
The drunk Irishman
An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air, which may sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but quickly falls into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the following morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”
“Why do you say that?” he asks innocently.
“The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
Looking for a drunk
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. Everyone came out at closing, and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his vehicle. As the other patrons left, he sat in the car for a good ten minutes. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” he exclaimed.
“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight, I am the designated decoy!”
Don’t take the dollar
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
“Hey, son! I’d like to ask you a question. Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied:
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Check-up
During my check-up, I asked the Doctor, “Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life?”
He replied, “I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now.”
I said, “I don’t believe any of that astrology nonsense.”
He replied, “Neither do I. My thermometer just broke.”
How rude!
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. The man again opens the door and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”
Pardon Me, Ma’am
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him, and his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room no 99.”
I don’t want to go to Ukraine
A Russian soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed. A moment later, two military police ran up and asked: “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Ukraine.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would’ve seen a great pair of balls too. I don’t want to go to Ukraine either.”
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video, he was super psyched until I fucked the pizza guy.