Do you want to hear a funny joke? How about 34 jokes? Yeah? Fuck it, let’s go. Remember, It’s a joke, not a dick.
God took only one rib from men to create women. Because he knew if he took a second rib, humanity would die out.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records until the librarian caught me.
How do you circumcise someone from Arkansas? Kick his sister in the mouth.
A third grader goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, I have the biggest dick in my class. Is it because I’m black?” She responded, “No, dumbass, it’s because you’re 19!”
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an Itheberg.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged most likely.
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Hand him a used tampon and ask him which period it is from.
Why was the guitar instructor arrested? For fingering A minor.
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot, and so did my kids. I went to work, and my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there, and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks.
Q: Why didn’t the Toilet Paper cross the road?
A: It got stuck in a crack
Someone asked the other day how you spell “scrotum”, I replied ” you should have asked me last night as it was on the tip of my tongue”
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
What kind of food does a lesbian love? Anything they can eat out.
Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name? Papa Boner.
Why don’t witches wear underwear? Because they need a better grip.
Masturbation always leads to sex. It’s a gateway tug.
I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only.
No Joke, try this one out.
Good Pickup Line: Fuck me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist right?
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” man, it’s been hard without her.
Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person.
Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people.
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
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