NASA sets world record for largest bottle rocket


I spoke with Lloyd Meriwether, a local resident and master mechanic from Christmas, Florida. He was asleep in his recliner last night when suddenly he heard a bunch of racket. He leaped to his feet and ran outside his trailer, where he saw a big bottle rocket going off. “That ain’t no Black Cat,” he thought to himself. Lloyd got in his pickup and drove down to the coast, where he saw a bunch of people gathered to watch the firework show. He asked them what was going on, and they said NASA had sent a rocket to the moon.

“Why would they send a bottle rocket to the moon?” he asked. They replied that it was part of NASA’s 93-billion-dollar Artemis program. Lloyd said, “Well, somebody has a little pecker. Just buy a pickup truck like the rest of us.” I stopped talking to Lloyd.

NASA Bottle Rocket

I’m gonna lie now

I looked around but couldn’t find anyone else willing to do an interview; maybe it was the rainbow leotard I was wearing. So I am going to make up the rest of this story. So as it turns out, NASA’s new rocket program has been in the works for 50 years.

They used to shoot people to the moon all the time; then they got bored with it. So they started blowing people up in space shuttles. When that wasn’t fun anymore, they built a space station where people could float around for months and eat toothpaste MREs. They even tried to send up twins, but one of them pussed out, so they called him a “control.” They also built a couple of giant telescopes but couldn’t figure out how to stabilize them, so they shot them into space on a bottle rocket.

The telescopes had cameras attached, which still worked after being yeeted into space. Everyone thought NASA was really smart for doing this. NASA even went so far as to say they did it on purpose. So congress gave them 93 billion dollars and said we bet you can’t hit the moon again. NASA administrator Bill Nelson was quoted as saying, “Bet!”.

NASA’s Artemis Bottle Rocket

That brings us to the events of last night. NASA raced to build the rocket in record time. It only took them three months to go from a design on a napkin to last night’s firework show. They used 30,000 lbs of dynamite. Only 25,000 lbs of which were used to reach orbit; the other 5,000 lbs will be used for a lunar injection orbit. The fuse to the secondary explosion can be seen in the picture above. A NASA spokesman said they planned to shoot a bunch more bottle rockets to the moon. They even plan to send some people up there in a few years, though they are still determining why.

Gunning for Putin

There has been speculation that the bottle rocket was a missile headed for Russia. Word on the street is that people are tired of President Biden sending money to Ukraine. So Biden thought he would send missile aid instead. But NASA missed so bad they just called the launch a lunar reconnaissance mission instead. Either way, it was well played.

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