Trumps Imperial ambitions and absurd proclamations.

Trump Said What?

I was just skimming through AP News today and read another hilarious headline: "Trump says he will change the name of the Gulf of Mexico." I mean, come on—he has to be fucking with us, right? Just in the last few weeks, instead of talking about lowering grocery bills for Americans (which was a major campaign promise), he’s come out with gems like:

• Taking over Greenland by military force, if necessary.
• Making Canada the 51st state through economic pressure.
• Changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America.
• Taking over the Panama Canal by military force, if necessary.
• Getting mad at Jimmy Carter because the flag might be at half-staff during his inauguration.
• Getting mad at the Biden administration’s transition efforts—which is insurrectionally hilarious.

He Can’t Be Serious

I imagine a guy who just won the lottery—like, mega millions rich—and instead of celebrating or sharing the joy, he storms into his neighborhood, kicking down doors and shouting at his friends: "This street is mine now!" He’s throwing punches at everyone, demanding their car keys, and threatening to tear down their houses to build a gold-plated statue of himself. It’s so over-the-top ridiculous that you can’t help but wonder if he’s lost his damn mind. He can’t be serious.

For someone who’s been so isolationist in the past, he sure seems to have a very imperialistic tone lately. I’m with at least half the country that knows this presidency is going to be a shit show, but Trump seems determined to exceed even those expectations. For the other half who voted for lower groceries, you might just have blood on your hands if the orange clown is actually serious.

The problem with this sort of talk coming from a president is that even if he doesn't follow through with any of it, simply threatening such things hurts our close ties with these countries. Remember when Trump floated the idea of buying Greenland back in 2019? Denmark’s Prime Minister called the idea “absurd,” and relations between the U.S. and Denmark cooled for a time. Greenland even mocked the proposal on social media. And let’s not forget Canada’s reaction during the NAFTA renegotiations—threats and tariffs soured one of our strongest alliances. These kinds of statements make countries less willing to cooperate when we actually need their help.

We currently have a massive base in Greenland, and they don’t charge us rent for it. Instead, we contribute to the local economy and infrastructure through the base’s operations. It’s a great deal overall—why screw that up?

Who gives a damn what the Gulf of Mexico is called?

Jimmy Carter just passed away this week, and instead of honoring one of the most decent presidents we’ve had, Trump’s out here throwing tantrums about flags. Give the man a break—he literally spent his final years building homes for the homeless.

Trump accusing Biden’s team of causing issues during the transition—peak hypocrisy and insurrectionally hilarious.

A Funeral That Is Worth Laughing At

I’ve been avoiding reading anything about Trump since the election. Yeah, I’m butt-hurt he won, but on a deeper level, I’m also glad. The shit he does is hilarious, and I like to laugh at serious situations. Like the Barenaked Ladies said, “I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral.”

In many ways, this political cycle feels just like that for America—a funeral. And Trump’s the guy in the corner laughing while throwing punches at the pallbearers.